Thoughts on Blair Waldorf "finding herself"

It’s very difficult for me to hear Blair Waldorf ask Dan Humphrey to help her find herself, but not for the reason you probably think. For me, it’s difficult because Blair shouldn’t be asking ANYONE for help finding herself, except that this girl has always been defined by those around her. She has always used the men in her life to measure and push and define herself. If it’s not being Nate Archibald’s perfect wife, it’s Chuck Bass’s savior, Dan Humphrey’s intellectual, Louis Girmaldi’s little princess, even her father’s Yale scholar.

Blair has always struggled with this, before she “sold out for a tiara”, before she was “traded for a hotel”, she was and always has been a weak, scared little girl who just wants love, family, and to be respected. It’s one of the reasons she’s always been my favorite character. How can someone so confident, so mean, so self assured and powerful, by so cripplingly insecure and weak? This identity crisis is nothing new.

The Blair Waldorf that Dan described is everything Blair is, but she’s also so much more. That person that he saw at W, that he believes to be her true self? I’m sorry, but I would have to disagree. That Blair was no different than high school Blair, she’s just one of the many masks that Blair wears when she wants to play a certain role. I believe I have seen the “real Blair Waldorf” once and once only: on a stage in a dark and smoky burlesque bar, dancing and confident and powerful and absolutely beautiful.

That is why I will always ship Chuck and Blair. Because that Blair? The one that she had never dared let loose, with all her masks and insecurities stripped away? That’s the Blair Chuck fell in love with. He has, obviously, done terrible things to her. But he’s also never done the one thing that every other person in her life has done. He is the only person who has never once asked her to change. Ever. She has ALWAYS been enough for him, even when he wasn’t enough for her.

I do NOT dare to Dair, thank you very much.

Firstly, let me say that this list is not going to include anything that says “Dair shouldn’t happen because Chuck and Blair, like, totally belong together. CHAIR 4 LYFE”. That is not a reason, that is an opinion. Please don’t get me wrong. Do I believe that Chuck and Blair are soulmates? Yes. Should they end up together? Absolutely. But that, in my opinion, has nothing to do with why Dair is not okay with me right now.

1. Dan is manipulating Blair.

Dan is taking complete advantage of the situation and Blair’s current mental state. She is traumatized and devastated, trapped by Louis unless she wants to lose everything. Prior to that, she’d been living a lie, pretending to love Louis when really she was dying to be with Chuck. She almost lost him in a car accident, the one in which she also miscarried her baby. She is emotionally vulnerable and is attaching to the only thing that is safe for her. If Dan truly loved her, he would see that what she needs right now is a friend and a brother, a protector and a champion, someone looking out for her interests alone, not another romantic entanglement. This relationship is causing her so many problems that she just does not need and someone who loved her would think of her well being first.

2.Dan does not love the real Blair.

Dan loves an idea of Blair he has in his head, this intellectual spitfire who is as beautiful as she is loyal. Yes, Blair is all of those things. But she is also mean, selfish, judgemental and spiteful. She’s stubborn and idealistic, a romantic and a drama queen. And I promise you this, Dan does not love those parts of her. Just like with Serena, Dan sees only the things he wants to see, not the whole person. He couldn’t love Serenas faults and he cannot love Blairs.

3. Blair shouldn’t be with anyone.

Right now, Blair does not need another boyfriend, she needs to be ALONE. She needs time to herself, to figure out who she is and what she wants. She got herself so turned around and confused, Chuck Louis Chuck Louis Chuck UGH, who can keep it straight? She went from liking Louis but loving Chuck desperately to hating Louis to not being sure about Chuck to loving him but not being IN love with him to loving Dan. Yes, that sounds healthy. If I was Serena, I would tell Blair that she needs to let all of these men go and focus on herself! She needs to be alone and figure out who she is. It’s the only way she’ll ever be happy.

4. The timeline feels rushed.

It seems unlikely to me that Blair can reasonably go from saying, “Of course I love you Chuck. I love you more and more every day, if it’s even possible to love someone that much,” to “I told Chuck he didn’t have my heart anymore. It belongs to someone else,” in a matter of weeks.This relationship, though I grant you has itself been seasons in the making, came on much too quickly. It makes no sense. And personally, if this were my ship, I’d be pissed off about that, not excited.

5. Dan is not a good person.

Dan has tricked Blair, manipulated her, lied to her, and taken advantage of her emotional state. Serena, a woman he once claimed to love, came to him and told him she was still in love with him. How did he respond? He disappeared with her BEST FRIEND and didn’t tell her about it, making everyone who loves Blair worry about her needlessly. Did I mention that he never responded AT ALL to Serena? He sent that video into Gossip Girl and then allowed both Serena AND Chuck to take the blame for it. He then worked with Georgina to save his own ass. And to stop the comments I know are coming in their tracks, the reason I believe him to be worse than Chuck, even though Chuck has definitely done worse things to Blair, is that Dan is a hypocrite and a liar. He acts like he is so much better than Chuck and all the rest of them, when in reality he is just as bad. Chuck is exactly who he is all the time. He doesn't pretend to be anything more or anything less. Chuck is a wolf. Dan is a snake.

So that's pretty much it. The problem I have with Dan and Blair is mostly about timing. Could this have been okay if I didn’t feel like Blair was being taken advantage of? Maybe. Dan and Blair absolutely have a connection. They have a great report with each other. I think their relationship is really unique. But I already miss the platonic love between them. Blair has never had a boyfriend who is just that: a BOY who is just a FRIEND. Dan could have been there for her and supported her and loved her like family, and they could have had a really beautiful relationship unlike anything else on the show. I am really sad that we’ll never see that again.

Boardwalk Empire and all of my feeeeelings

WARNING: Do not read any further if you have not watched the season finale of HBO's Boardwalk Empire and do not wished to be completely and devestatingly spoiled.





I'm serious, just stop. It's not going to be pretty.





Alright, well, you asked for it.

They killed my Jimmy. Oh my LORD, they executed my favorite character. This has never happened to me before!! I'm not 100% sure how to cope with this kind of loss. As a general rule, I get very emotionally attached to characters, and I mourn their deaths like you'd mourn the loss of a good pet, but I've never been subject to this. My favorites are always the main characters!! (I know, I'm boring and typical, sue me.) Main characters NEVER get killed off, unless G. R. Martin is involved, so I've never felt the crippling and devastating grief that comes from a beloved character death before. Spoiler alert: IT SUCKS ASS.

I feel like I went through all the stages of grief last night during the scene and after. Everything was going far too well, for everyone involved, and so I quickly became suspicious that something terrible was going to happen. James seemed to be tying up his loose ends, but then so had Nucky in the previous episode, so I didn't put too much stock in that. At the statue, it wasn't until Eli appeared behind him that I knew something terrible was going to happen. But honestly, I was in complete denial up until the moment that Nucky fired. I truly believed that he wouldn't shoot him, that the betrayal hadn't gone that deep. How wrong I was.

After denial, I was enraged. How could he do that?? How could Nucky choose anyone over Jimmy?? But Nucky has always been, at his core, a family man. So when it came down to Jimmy's word against Eli's on who initiated the attempt on Nucky's life, despite all of Eli's prior betrayals, Nucky believed his brother. Blood was the deciding factor for him. Even though Nucky practically raised Jimmy, he never treated him or loved him like son. When Nucky said, "You had everything!" I wanted to scream at him, ARE YOU FRAKING SERIOUS?! He had NOTHING. He had a mother who sexually abused him, a father who abused his mother and was in prison (unfortunately NOT for raping a 13 yo), and a surrogate father who gave him money instead of affection. Yes, that sounds like a man who had everything.

And then of course, after the anger, came crippling sadness. I cried for 30 minutes. I lay down in my bed and listened to emo songs and wailed for my lost love. I thought of Richard and Gillian and Tommy and how they're going to handle losing James. Needless to say, they're going to be devestated. Finally, I journeyed into acceptance, not because I want to, but because the more I thought about it, the sadder I became for Jimmy's life. After Angela's death, he sort of gave up. I don't think he ever expected to come back from the war and since then, he's been floundering, a lost soul, empty. Maybe this really is what was best for him. But it wasn't best for me.

I'm still floored by the choice from a creative perspective. How Terrence Winter made the decision to kill off James Darmody, (and say goodbye to the brilliance that is Michael Pitt), I will never know. I keep seeing Jimmy's head fly back and him falling to the ground, it's on repeat in my head. It was such a brilliantly written and shot scene, that I'm kind of traumatized, lol.

I've never been the person that stops watching a show when a certain character dies or a certain couple breaks up, but honestly, I have no desire to watch the next season. Maybe that will change in time, but for me this felt like a series finale, like the culmination of seasons of storylines, not just one. Will I be back for season 3? Probably. But right now, with the loss of my love still fresh, I'm not too keen on it.

Leighton Meester

I've been trying to figure out what it is about this young woman that speaks to me so. Obviously at this point it can be assumed that it's more than just your basic fangirlness. She moves me on a spiritual level, speaks to my soul. I've been trying to figure out why that is. What is it about Leighton that affects me?

I think part of it is definitely her past. We have the whole parent in prison thing in common. And she's not ashamed of it, the same way I'm not ashamed. I admire that. She's a famous young woman in Hollywood and yet she has no problem talking about her mother and her time in prison. I like that. I hope I would be that strong.

She's stunningly beautiful, but not in a conventional way. She has flaws. She has things that she's probably uncomfortable with. But she's so confident and comfortable in her own skin. She's proud of her body and her accomplishments. She's confident without being arrogant, self-assured and still humble. I've never heard one bad thing about her. She's admittedly sexual and excited about love, wary but not afraid. She seems like she'd be the best friend.

I don't know, honestly. Maybe to some she doesn't seem like anything special, but to me she's an idol. She's someone I try to emulate, to model my life after. You all probably think I'm psychotic, but that's alright. I can't really explain it. All I know is that I'm sitting here watching "Country Strong" and crying because I think she's so wonderful. I hope someday I can tell her how much she's affected me.

TV Reviews for Monday, January 24

So I watched a crap ton of TV this past weekend and last night and I need to get some stuff off my chest. Feel free to commiserate and comment and rant with me. You all know how I adore discussing my TV obsessions. This should be interesting!

Gossip Girl

• Lily wasn't an evil whore of a mother after all! It was all just a misunderstanding! Awww....whatever. Honestly, the whole Bass Inc./Ben is innocent thing was very dull and I could care less. The only funny part was Chuck and Serena in the bank. I was dying.
  

  Serena: "And who do we say you are? My son?"
  Chuck: "Is it weird that hearing you say that actually turns me on?"
  Serena: "This better be worth the therapy."

• I'm probably in the minority but I LOVE Raina. For one, she's fucking gorgeous. For two, she was a bitch to Chuck and I loved it. And for three, she straight propositioned him in the bar. Good for you girl, you snag that Bass! I think they'll be fun and sexy.
• So I didn't completely hate the beginnings of Dair. In fact, I loved it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fucking however, I love it EXACTLY the way it is. Throw in a random drunk hookup and I will be fine. But pleeeeaaaase don't ruin it by having them become romantically involved. This would be a terrible idea for a two main reasons.
  

  1. It would completely out of character. He's still Dan and she's still Blair. They can be reluctant friends but no woman who loves Chuck Bass could possibly also love Dan Humphrey. That makes no sense.
  2. It would cause irreparable damage to Serena and Blair's relationship. Honestly, that's my biggest concern. They're so good right now, and this would be horrible. B would never do that to S, the same way S would never do that to her. Yes, I know everyone's probably thinking, um, Alex, what about Nate?" Way different. B and N were not forever. S would NEVER be with Chuck, not just because they're step siblings (obviously, that doesn't bother her), but because Blair and Chuck are forever and she knows it. So I would be SO SAD if Blair did that to Serena.

• Nate's dad is funny, but poor Natie needs a real storyline that involves him with the rest of the cast. He's going the way of Jenny and Vanessa, not because he's irritating and awful, but because he's irrelevant.

White Collar

• I am SOOOOOO happy WC is back. I missed it so much and I didn't even know it. I am also SOOOOO happy that Mozzie is okay!!! I know, he was obviously going to be okay, but still, it's good to know for sure. It was so cute how all the little forgers Neal rounded up were willing to help Moz. Everyone loves Moz, that's precious.
  
• I really loved the premise of the premiere episode. Burke's Seven were so cute and I loved how loyal they all are to Peter. And YAY Jones is a part of the crazy Kate/music box drama!! I was always sad he was left out. Now everyone knows and we have a little team!!! I freaking love teams.
• Also joining our team is the gorgeous and sexy Sara. Her and Neal pretending to be married was freaking priceless. And now she calls him Junior? Omg, please have sex already. The sexual tension is killing me. Also I loved, "Hey Neal. Good to see you with your clothes on." And then the look on Peter's face and Neal smirking like, lol NBD. Fabulous.
  
• So more questions, of course, because nothing on this show is ever simple. Who is this mysterious man who "made Neal who he is today"? Why would Neal's mentor kill Kate? What the crap was that weird thing Moz made from the code? I am so not as smart as these guys. And how excited are we for THE MUSTACHE??? Haha I can't wait, new episode tonight!!

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena

• I already wrote Carlos and Holly a detailed recap of my thoughts, so I'm just going to repaste that here, lol. Cause I'm lazy.
• I fucking love Gannicus. Like, holy freaking crap. So attractive. Singing that song about his cock while drunk on the edge of the cliff? Omg fucking priceless. And my favorite line: "Doctore, I'm going to train on the post, in the shade." LMAO. I love him.
• I LOVE Oenomaus and his wife. She's a badass and I love her. I am SO SAD she has to die. That sucks. And I will also say, while they're super adorbs, that little moment with Gannicus at the end of his FUCKING EPIC fight (which I will get to later) was way cute. And definitely more than friendly. Just saying.
• I love Crixus. I love how eager beaver he is. And it's SO WEIRD to see Ashur as the cocky dominant one in the relationship. Also, no wonder Doctore hated Ashur so much, the exact same thing happened to him and he took it with grace and class. It must bug him so much how conniving Ashur is.
• Gaia is a naughty girl.
• I love Oenomaus and Gannicus' reltionship. it reminds me of Sparty and Varro. *tear*
• Baby Nevia is adorable, I love how cute and innovent she is.
• At the end, I was so nervous, I kept saying to my mom, "HE'S GONNA GET HIS ASS BEAT, OMG HE'S GONNA GET HIS ASS BEAT, HE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT BARCA!!!!" And I was right. That was so rough. No wonder Batiatus is so desperate and ambitious. Shit, I would be too.
• Ok so the fights. I don't even know what to say anymore. Fucking phenomenal comes to mind, but it doesn't seem to be enough. The opening shot with the guys head being cut in half? Lol ok wow. And then Gannicus fighting without his swords. Cocky little shit, I love you. And then omgggggg the market fight. That was....the best fight of the series? Can we agree on that? I think it was. So cool. I feel like the changed the way they're filming and I like it a lot. Maybe I'm just not used to it anymore or something, but I don't know it seems different.
• Basically, I love it already, and I am so excited to see how all the story lines play out and how they get to the point we started at.

Fringe

• I was THRILLED to see the Observer's back. I love those bald, eyebrowless bastards. They are here to wreck your shit and the do not give a FUCK if you don't want them to. I really needed them to get involved in our little war and it appears they have. I have more to say on this subject, but I'll save it for the end.
• I loved how Peter handled the book situation. I think it was perfect, kind of like him saying, "Look, I know you think I was with her, but I was actually with you. I wanted all those things with you." It doesn't make it ok, but I think it makes her feel a little better. Her picking up the book was such a glimmer of hope. They can get past this. And then with him almost dying it's like, well yea Liv, he messed up, but you still love him and you know it. You'll get past it.
  
• I can't decide what this episode was really about, and I think that was the point. My instinct says it was about taking responsibility for your actions, seeing the consequences of those actions, and accepting that some things are out of your hands. Some things you just can't control. I loved the scene between Walter and Astrid, when they were talking about how Walter cost that man his son. You can tell he finally understands.
  

  Walter: "I've seen the damage with my own eyes but it's not enough. It's not enough to understand the suffering I've cause."
  Astrid: "Walter, we have been over this. You couldn't have known!"
  Walter: "That's exactly the point. Unforeseen consequences, but my fault just the same."

• The scene with Peter and Walter when Peter asked for the keys was freaking amazing. I don't know how this show doesn't get more acclaim. The acting is so phenomenal. John Noble needs an Emmy right the fuck now. I was so proud of Walter for giving Peter the keys and saving the girl. He's finally realized that he can't control everything and that's so so good.
• I don't believe the Observers are going to let Peter, mainly because I don't believe they're going to allow the machine to be used. There's no way they're okay with an entire universe being destroyed. Talk about upsetting the natural order!! Maybe I'm biased because I like them so much, but I think they're trying to save us, not destroy us.
  

Off The Map
I don't hate it, at all. It has some strong potential I think. I love the hunky Australian lead doctor. He's great, nice and haunted, just the way I like them. I like the interns, they're cute I guess. Honestly, I'm watching for Rachelle Lefevre and Zack Gilford. They're both so fabulous and I love them and I want good things for them so I'm watching their new show. I would recommend it if you're bored.

I think that's all for right now. I watched more, but honestly those are the only ones I really wanted to talk about. New White Collar tonight!! Yay!! Feel free to join the discussion, should you so choose...

Raymond Meier for American Vogue

I adore this shoot, the colors are amazing!!! And the unusual camera angles...so fun. Love this.

A new trend I'm enjoying.

There's a really fun, interesting trend in fashion right now towards androgynous models and I'm really enjoying it. I think it can create some really arresting imagery and compelling shots! Here's a recent shoot for Interview Magazine by photographer Craig McDean featuring Aymeline Valade that I particularity enjoyed.

This is my 100th blog post!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I feel like I should have a party or something. I know I don't blog nearly as much anymore as I used to, but I still love this little blog to death and I can't believe I've hit 100 posts! I think I'll spend it doing what I love most....talking!

I'm so excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I love this holiday. It's full of warmth and laughter and family. There's no religious stigmas attached, no traumatic memory associated with it, it's simply a day to be with the ones you love and to be thankful for all you have. And I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for:

• My ridiculously loud, large, and loving family. They make every event special because something crazy always happens. I can't wait to play our traditional post dinner Game of Things!
• My wonderful friends. I'm always surprised by how awesome all of you are to me, and those of you who I don't see everyday anymore, I miss beyond reason.
• My job! It's not that great but it's giving me money to talk to people about books and I like that very much.
• Me! I'm healthy and happy and I'm very thankful for my killer immune system. No flu season for me this year!

My life is pretty good right now. I have many things I wish for and hope for, but hopefully 2011 will bring many changes to me and my family. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Don't be afraid.

When it comes to love, I have 3 great fears. Fears so strong that when I think of them, I start to freak out a little bit. These 3 fears overshadow every other fear in my life. I think they probably stem a lot from my relationship with my own father, and what happened to my family 7 years ago.

Having my Dad taken from me in the violent, abrupt, and unique way that he was had a profound affect on my psyche. It changed my family and how we looked at the world. Many people have often marveled at the way I handled my Dad going to prison with grace and optimism, and it's true. Obviously I was devastated, but he wasn't dead. He was still a huge part of my life, just in a much more limited way. Honestly, I was luckier than a lot of people. For a long time, I assumed that I had come out of the experience unscathed, my mental health intact and strong as ever.

It wasn't until I got to college and started looking a little deeper into my heart that I discovered where the damage was. I've discovered these 3 fears, 2 of which have only a little to do with my Dad, but one of which I am positive is a direct result of that loss.

Fear #1: Never finding love and dying alone.
I realize that most people fear this. I know I am not unique in my fear. However, I feel that this is a much stronger fear for me because of my inability to take a chance with anyone. I've never been in a relationship, or even the shadow of one, and I think that I'm just a little afraid. I'm almost 23 years old now, and the time for experimentation and learning is long since passed. I'm a rookie in the NFL and it scares the shit out of me. Please don't mistake this with a lack of confidence in myself. I believe I am worthy of love and more than that, that there is someone, or multiple someones, out there that will see how epic I am and love me. I just worry about my fear getting in the way of that.

Fear #2: Being a part of a dangerous and unhealthy love.
I'm really scared of finding someone I love too much. I do not want to be that girl, or part of that relationship, the one that starts fast and burns too hot and blinds us to the destruction it causes. No one wants to be Blair and Chuck. Sure, they love each other, but they love each other too much. They're toxic for each other but there's no other choice. They're miserable together but they're more miserable apart. I don't want to compromise myself for love, but I fear that if I become a part of that kind of a relationship, that I won't be able to get out.

Fear #3: Finding the man I'm meant to be with and losing him.
This is my greatest fear. It paralyzes me. What if, after all this time, I finally find the man I'm meant to be with, we fall in love, get married, have babies....and then he dies. He's taken from me, like my Dad was, and I'm left to mourn the life I should have had. I fear this because I truly don't think I could ever move on. I am scared of how angry and bitter I would become. I'm not scared of change, of falling out of love, or him leaving me, or me leaving him. That's life. People change and grow and move on. I am terrified of blind loss, of senseless death. Of losing my love for no reason, and being left to live without him.

I don't know why I made this post. I've just been thinking a lot lately about myself and my life and the future. Sometimes you just need to get things off of your chest. It feels good to write this down. Hopefully now that I know this about myself, I can try to move forward and not worry about things I can't control.

Weird dream last night....

So I had the strangest dream last night. I got my dream book out to see if I could figure out what it meant, because it wasn't like my usual crack filled dreams. It was full of strange things that are absolutely signs or messages from my subconscious. So here's what I remember:

It's all in weird parts but the first thing I remember is that I was with Lauren and Vicki, and we were at UCLA, I think. Except we weren't, we were by water, like on a boat or dock or something. There were waves, really big waves, that were preventing us from getting off the dock, or restaurant or something, and onto the submarine-like transport that would take us home. Here's what my dream book says about waves:

To dream of waves, is a sign that you hold some vital step in contemplation, which will evolve much knowledge if the waves are clear; but you will make a fatal error if you seem them muddy or lashed by a storm.

So they were definitely clear, but they were big and rolling, they weren't calm. Hmm.....

They next big sign I remember is that I ran into Meredith and one of her sorority sisters as I was leaving the restaurant. We were cordial to each other and ended up making peace. Also, and this is weird, she had acne all over her face. And Meredith had beautiful skin. Things it could mean:

To meet an acquaintance, and converse pleasantly with him or her, foretells that your business will run smoothly, and there will be but little discord in your domestic affairs. After dreaming of acquaintances, you may see or hear from them.
To dream that you meet or engage with an adversary, denotes that you will promptly defend any attacks on your interests. Sickness may also threaten you after this dream.
To dream that you overcome your enemies, denotes that you will surmount all difficulties in business, and enjoy the greatest prosperity.
This dream is favorable if you see happy and bright faces, but significant of trouble if they are disfigured, ugly, or frowning on you.

Basically I have no idea what that means.

The next thing I remember is being in my apartment, (excpet it wasn't my actual apartment, but it was, you know), and I heard my cat howling from outside. I went to the balcony and saw her there fighting with another cat. I went outside and picked her up and brought her back in the apartment.

If you hear the scream or mewing of a cat, some false friend is using all the words and work at his command to do you harm.

WEIRD. I AM ON HIGH ALERT PEOPLE. Almost every sign in this dream was a bad omen, so I am seriously going to be watching my back. YIKES.