Saturday, October 30, 2010

Don't be afraid.

When it comes to love, I have 3 great fears. Fears so strong that when I think of them, I start to freak out a little bit. These 3 fears overshadow every other fear in my life. I think they probably stem a lot from my relationship with my own father, and what happened to my family 7 years ago.

Having my Dad taken from me in the violent, abrupt, and unique way that he was had a profound affect on my psyche. It changed my family and how we looked at the world. Many people have often marveled at the way I handled my Dad going to prison with grace and optimism, and it's true. Obviously I was devastated, but he wasn't dead. He was still a huge part of my life, just in a much more limited way. Honestly, I was luckier than a lot of people. For a long time, I assumed that I had come out of the experience unscathed, my mental health intact and strong as ever.

It wasn't until I got to college and started looking a little deeper into my heart that I discovered where the damage was. I've discovered these 3 fears, 2 of which have only a little to do with my Dad, but one of which I am positive is a direct result of that loss.

Fear #1: Never finding love and dying alone.
I realize that most people fear this. I know I am not unique in my fear. However, I feel that this is a much stronger fear for me because of my inability to take a chance with anyone. I've never been in a relationship, or even the shadow of one, and I think that I'm just a little afraid. I'm almost 23 years old now, and the time for experimentation and learning is long since passed. I'm a rookie in the NFL and it scares the shit out of me. Please don't mistake this with a lack of confidence in myself. I believe I am worthy of love and more than that, that there is someone, or multiple someones, out there that will see how epic I am and love me. I just worry about my fear getting in the way of that.

Fear #2: Being a part of a dangerous and unhealthy love.
I'm really scared of finding someone I love too much. I do not want to be that girl, or part of that relationship, the one that starts fast and burns too hot and blinds us to the destruction it causes. No one wants to be Blair and Chuck. Sure, they love each other, but they love each other too much. They're toxic for each other but there's no other choice. They're miserable together but they're more miserable apart. I don't want to compromise myself for love, but I fear that if I become a part of that kind of a relationship, that I won't be able to get out.

Fear #3: Finding the man I'm meant to be with and losing him.
This is my greatest fear. It paralyzes me. What if, after all this time, I finally find the man I'm meant to be with, we fall in love, get married, have babies....and then he dies. He's taken from me, like my Dad was, and I'm left to mourn the life I should have had. I fear this because I truly don't think I could ever move on. I am scared of how angry and bitter I would become. I'm not scared of change, of falling out of love, or him leaving me, or me leaving him. That's life. People change and grow and move on. I am terrified of blind loss, of senseless death. Of losing my love for no reason, and being left to live without him.

I don't know why I made this post. I've just been thinking a lot lately about myself and my life and the future. Sometimes you just need to get things off of your chest. It feels good to write this down. Hopefully now that I know this about myself, I can try to move forward and not worry about things I can't control.


  1. LOVE YOUR BLOG !! ... Just came across it :) *
    New to the whole blog thing but yours is awesome , So inspiring !

  2. @hotbynight That's very sweet of you, thank you.