This is my 100th blog post!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I feel like I should have a party or something. I know I don't blog nearly as much anymore as I used to, but I still love this little blog to death and I can't believe I've hit 100 posts! I think I'll spend it doing what I love most....talking!

I'm so excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I love this holiday. It's full of warmth and laughter and family. There's no religious stigmas attached, no traumatic memory associated with it, it's simply a day to be with the ones you love and to be thankful for all you have. And I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for:

• My ridiculously loud, large, and loving family. They make every event special because something crazy always happens. I can't wait to play our traditional post dinner Game of Things!
• My wonderful friends. I'm always surprised by how awesome all of you are to me, and those of you who I don't see everyday anymore, I miss beyond reason.
• My job! It's not that great but it's giving me money to talk to people about books and I like that very much.
• Me! I'm healthy and happy and I'm very thankful for my killer immune system. No flu season for me this year!

My life is pretty good right now. I have many things I wish for and hope for, but hopefully 2011 will bring many changes to me and my family. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Don't be afraid.

When it comes to love, I have 3 great fears. Fears so strong that when I think of them, I start to freak out a little bit. These 3 fears overshadow every other fear in my life. I think they probably stem a lot from my relationship with my own father, and what happened to my family 7 years ago.

Having my Dad taken from me in the violent, abrupt, and unique way that he was had a profound affect on my psyche. It changed my family and how we looked at the world. Many people have often marveled at the way I handled my Dad going to prison with grace and optimism, and it's true. Obviously I was devastated, but he wasn't dead. He was still a huge part of my life, just in a much more limited way. Honestly, I was luckier than a lot of people. For a long time, I assumed that I had come out of the experience unscathed, my mental health intact and strong as ever.

It wasn't until I got to college and started looking a little deeper into my heart that I discovered where the damage was. I've discovered these 3 fears, 2 of which have only a little to do with my Dad, but one of which I am positive is a direct result of that loss.

Fear #1: Never finding love and dying alone.
I realize that most people fear this. I know I am not unique in my fear. However, I feel that this is a much stronger fear for me because of my inability to take a chance with anyone. I've never been in a relationship, or even the shadow of one, and I think that I'm just a little afraid. I'm almost 23 years old now, and the time for experimentation and learning is long since passed. I'm a rookie in the NFL and it scares the shit out of me. Please don't mistake this with a lack of confidence in myself. I believe I am worthy of love and more than that, that there is someone, or multiple someones, out there that will see how epic I am and love me. I just worry about my fear getting in the way of that.

Fear #2: Being a part of a dangerous and unhealthy love.
I'm really scared of finding someone I love too much. I do not want to be that girl, or part of that relationship, the one that starts fast and burns too hot and blinds us to the destruction it causes. No one wants to be Blair and Chuck. Sure, they love each other, but they love each other too much. They're toxic for each other but there's no other choice. They're miserable together but they're more miserable apart. I don't want to compromise myself for love, but I fear that if I become a part of that kind of a relationship, that I won't be able to get out.

Fear #3: Finding the man I'm meant to be with and losing him.
This is my greatest fear. It paralyzes me. What if, after all this time, I finally find the man I'm meant to be with, we fall in love, get married, have babies....and then he dies. He's taken from me, like my Dad was, and I'm left to mourn the life I should have had. I fear this because I truly don't think I could ever move on. I am scared of how angry and bitter I would become. I'm not scared of change, of falling out of love, or him leaving me, or me leaving him. That's life. People change and grow and move on. I am terrified of blind loss, of senseless death. Of losing my love for no reason, and being left to live without him.

I don't know why I made this post. I've just been thinking a lot lately about myself and my life and the future. Sometimes you just need to get things off of your chest. It feels good to write this down. Hopefully now that I know this about myself, I can try to move forward and not worry about things I can't control.

Weird dream last night....

So I had the strangest dream last night. I got my dream book out to see if I could figure out what it meant, because it wasn't like my usual crack filled dreams. It was full of strange things that are absolutely signs or messages from my subconscious. So here's what I remember:

It's all in weird parts but the first thing I remember is that I was with Lauren and Vicki, and we were at UCLA, I think. Except we weren't, we were by water, like on a boat or dock or something. There were waves, really big waves, that were preventing us from getting off the dock, or restaurant or something, and onto the submarine-like transport that would take us home. Here's what my dream book says about waves:

To dream of waves, is a sign that you hold some vital step in contemplation, which will evolve much knowledge if the waves are clear; but you will make a fatal error if you seem them muddy or lashed by a storm.

So they were definitely clear, but they were big and rolling, they weren't calm. Hmm.....

They next big sign I remember is that I ran into Meredith and one of her sorority sisters as I was leaving the restaurant. We were cordial to each other and ended up making peace. Also, and this is weird, she had acne all over her face. And Meredith had beautiful skin. Things it could mean:

To meet an acquaintance, and converse pleasantly with him or her, foretells that your business will run smoothly, and there will be but little discord in your domestic affairs. After dreaming of acquaintances, you may see or hear from them.
To dream that you meet or engage with an adversary, denotes that you will promptly defend any attacks on your interests. Sickness may also threaten you after this dream.
To dream that you overcome your enemies, denotes that you will surmount all difficulties in business, and enjoy the greatest prosperity.
This dream is favorable if you see happy and bright faces, but significant of trouble if they are disfigured, ugly, or frowning on you.

Basically I have no idea what that means.

The next thing I remember is being in my apartment, (excpet it wasn't my actual apartment, but it was, you know), and I heard my cat howling from outside. I went to the balcony and saw her there fighting with another cat. I went outside and picked her up and brought her back in the apartment.

If you hear the scream or mewing of a cat, some false friend is using all the words and work at his command to do you harm.

WEIRD. I AM ON HIGH ALERT PEOPLE. Almost every sign in this dream was a bad omen, so I am seriously going to be watching my back. YIKES.

Bloggy Blog Blog

I haven't been here in a looooong time and to be honest, I miss it quite a bit. What's been stopping me from posting? I don't know. My ADD perhaps. My inability to commit fully to anything. Whatever. I'm back now. I'll be blogging again (hopefully) consistently.

Love and kisses!

Why is happiness boring?

I think I've figured out why divorce rates are so high now a days. Its because people find happiness dull. They expect a life of constant adrenaline rushes, danger, and turbulence. Why else would the writers of popular tv shows feel the need to defend their long term couples? Why the flux? Why the constant need for drama? Why can't people just be happy if they're meant for each other? If they're not meant to be together, ok, that's fine. Break them up. Put them back together. Break them up again. The train-wrecks are admittedly fun to watch.

But why is it that people are now bored with Jim and Pam because they are married and happy? Isn't that what you wanted?? Didn't you want them to end up together and be happy?

And people will answer, well yea but now that there's no more drama, its just not fun to watch.

Why?

Well, happiness is just kind of boring on tv.

BUT WHY?? Why in heaven's name would you find two people in love and happy a boring thing to watch. That's a fucking miracle!! 99.9% of television is people fucking around and breaking up and causing drama. You want something unique and interesting? Watch a show about a happy couple that is completely functional!

Why do we have to break up Blair and Chuck now that they are happy and together? Why do you think their scenes aren't as fun now that they're not lying to each other and hurting each other every episode? What does that say about the kind of relationships we foster and desire when we can't even be happy for fictional people? What kind of a person are you if you want to watch people in pain? Why is happiness boring?

I just don't get it. I hate romcoms. Why do I hate them? Because I hate all of that fucking bullshit that leads up to the big climatic finish where the characters declare their love, are about to start the only good part of a relationship, aaaaaaand roll credits. WTF?!?! Why did I just sit through two hours of bullshit?? I want to see the happy! Where they are in love and have problems and get through them together.

I think that's why Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are my favorite twilight books. They're Bella and Edward, in love, committed, working as a team, making decisions as a team, no back and forth or games involved. Its why I hate Jacob. He messes with that happiness and stability. Go away. Get your own girlfriend, stop trying to steal Edward's!

Its also why I don't understand infidelity. Why can you not just be happy?? Why do people have such a problem with consistency and stability?? Why does adventure and independence mean being alone?

I don't know. This is just something I was thinking about. I love love. I love happiness. I love the good part of a relationship, the actual fucking relationship, not the games you have to play to get there. Its probably why I don't have a boyfriend, lol.

Top 10 Carrie Underwood Songs

Anyone who knows me, knows I love Carrie Underwood. No, love isn't strong enough. I would fall to me knees sobbing hysterically, pledging my undying love and fealty to this woman if I ever met her. Scary? A little. But I don't give a shit because she's the best. So, in honor of my adoration, I have compiled a list of my 10 favorite Carrie songs. This was one of the hardest lists I've ever had to make, but I did it and I'm happy with it. Enjoy!

10. "Songs Like This"

Album: Play On

Out of all of Carrie's "man hater" song, I think this one is my favorite. It's sort of a culmination of all of their main ideas, and I think the beat is catchy and fun.

9. "Inside Your Heaven"

Album: Some Hearts

The reason this song is on my top 10 is because it was the moment I knew she was going to be a superstar. When she sang this on idol, I just knew there'd be no stopping her. It was perfect, her vocals were amazing, and she was just so great. It was the moment I knew I loved her.

8. "The Night Before (Life Goes On)"

Album: Some Hearts

This song is so sweet. It was my most played song when the album first came out, and it never got old. I still love it just as much today as I did then. Sweet song with a sweet message about love and growing up.

7. "I Just Can't Live A Lie"

Album: Some Hearts

This song. Gosh I've always loved it. I'm a sucker for unstoppable, dysfunctional, slightly unhealthy love. And her voice is so passionate and emotional, it really gets to you. Love this one.

6. "Someday When I Stop Loving You"

Album: Play On

I cried the first time I heard this song. The lyrics are so devastatingly sad and poignant. Her performance is flawless and I think its one of her more beautiful songs.

5. "I Told You So"

Album: Carnival Ride

How many artists can say that they did a cover of a classic song that was better than the original? Randy travis himself told Carrie that the song was always meant to be sung by her. It fits her voice perfectly and she adds so much emotion to the lyrics.

4. "Look At Me"

Album: Play On

I love the lyrics to this song. It's so so romantic and now that she's engaged to her little hockey hunk, I think you can really feel her emotions pouring out through the song. Just beautiful.

3. "What Can I Say (feat. Sons of Sylvia)"

Album: Play On

One of her strongest performances vocally. This collaboration with Sons of Sylvia showed that she could do crossover, although I'm not sure that was ever in question. As if the lyrics weren't affecting enough, Carrie's vocals will send chills down your spine. Phenomenal.

2. "Wasted"

Album: Some Hearts

This was the first song on her first cd. I remember sitting at my computer and putting the cd in, SO excited to hear it. This song came on and by the end of it, I was crying. I don't know how to explain it, but I was just so proud of her. Its a great song with a fantastic melody and inspiring lyrics. It was my favorite for a long, long time.

1. "I Know You Won't"

Album: Carnival Ride

This song still gives me chills. By far her strongest performance vocally, it blows me away every time I hear it. The amazing part is that its even better live in concert. I was sobbing when we saw her live and she sang this. Its the ultimate exhibition of her talents. The lyrics are amazingly powerful, and she infuses so much emotion into her voice, while at the same time staying completely in tune. Its raw and polished, all at the same time. My absolute favorite Carrie Underwood song.

Of course, all of Carrie's songs are fantastic! I hope this inspired those who don't really listen to her music, or are turned off because she's country artist, to go and listen to more of her stuff. She truly is one of the most talented artists around.

Epic Power Couple = Epic First Kiss

Everyone knows that there's a huge variety of relationships on television, each one with different defining characteristics and similarities. One of my personal favorites is, surprise surprise, the power couple. This is a relationship that is often volatile, all consuming, and ultimately fated. It's not necessarily in the hands of those in the relationship to decide whether or not they're going to be together. When it comes down to it, they can't not be with one another. The power couple has a lot of defining characteristics but one I've noticed is that every power couple has an epic first kiss. It's amazing, passionate, surprising, and its this kiss that ignites the relationship, makes the two see that they're meant to be together. Here's a list of some of my favorite power couples and their epic first kisses.

~Barney and Robin~

How I Met Your Mother

I loved this episode already and then it ended with this amazing kiss that began BRo love. Barney and Robin are pretty much perfect for each other and this epic kiss sent them across the line from friendship into something more, and made Barney realize that he was in love with Robin.

~Logan and Veronica~

Veronica Mars

I still haven't finished watching all 3 seasons of Veronica Mars BUT I've loved these two since the moment Veronica kissed Logan just....because. I love this kiss because she just sort of does it, completely overwhelmed with some seriously conflicting emotions. And he simply gets it, and kisses her back. Amazing.

~Brandon and Kelly~

Beverly Hills, 90210

Vicki and I just started watching BH 90210, but it's pretty apparent to us that the writers are pushing Brandon and Kelly as the power couple of this show. Their first kiss at the prom was so epic and it seems to have already set the stage for their relationship, even though it doesn't exist yet. In fact, they might be the strongest example simply because we don't know exactly where this relationship is going to led, but the amazingness of this kiss has already made us fans of them.

~Tim and Lyla~

Friday Night Lights

This scene was so emotionally charged. He was grappling with his guilt about Jason's accident, she was dealing with the loss of her dream future, and all these emotions and feelings exploded in both of them and led to one of the most epic power couples of all time. Honestly, I don't think it gets much better than these two.

~Kate and Sawyer~

Lost

While it can be argued that Kate and Sawyer are not meant to be, it cannot be argued that this is one of the hottest, most electrified kisses ever on television. Whether or not they want to, something inside of them speaks to the other, and they're connected forever. This kiss didn't really start that connection, it only gave it a way to express itself.

~Blair and Chuck~

Gossip Girl

This could arguably be called the kiss heard round the world. I mean come on, it got it's own promotional campaign! This moment changed not only these characters, but the path of the entire television show, irrevocably. Once viewers saw the perfection that is chuckandblair, there was no going back and this kiss is what began it. Completely outrageous, scandalous, shocking, and beyond hot it tied these two together permanently.

~Ross and Rachel~

Friends

Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. The definition of fated lovers. This is probably one of the most amazing, passionate, romantic, wonderful first kisses ever. It sealed the deal for these two and 10 seasons later, they finally, FINALLY got back together and stayed together. One of my all time favorite moments.